Saw This Email Sent To Me A While Back By My Bro, The Last Bra Bender, Thought I should Share It Here
For centuries men have attempted to follow this code with no universal understanding of what such an arrangement meant: Is it okay to hug a Bro? If I’m invited to a Bro’s wedding, do I really have to bring a gift? Can I sleep with a Bro’s sister, or mother, or both?
Now for the first time on paper, I have recorded the rules of social decorum that Bros have practiced since the dawn of man… if not before. The Bro Code previously existed only as an oral tradition (heh), so I have journeyed the globe to piece together the transcribe the shattered fragments of The Bro Code, pausing only to flesh it out myself (double heh). While not intending to write a “Guide to Being a Bro” if men should treat it as such and pass this compendium of knowledge from one generation to the next, I have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye. But not out of it. That would be a violation of Article 41: A Bro Never Cries.
It is my hope that, with a better understanding of The Bro Code, Bros the world over can put aside their differences and strengthen the bonds of brotherhood. It is then, and only then, that we might work together as one to accomplish perhaps the most important challenge society faces-GETTING LAID. Before late: without the sport inherent in trying to bang chicks, would men willingly have sex for the sole purpose of producing smelly, screaming babies?
Centuries from now, when a Bro applies the rudiments of The Bro Code to score a three-boobied future chick, the only thanks I’ll need is the knowledge that I-in whatever small capacity- Bro’d him out…though if he could figure out how to bring me back to life, that would be pretty awesome, too.
– Idris, The Last Bra Bender
You’ve probably heard the word “Bro” used liberally at your local bar or gym. Perhaps you’ve even seen it recklessly confused with “dude” or “guy” in an adventure themed soft-drink commercial. Maybe even you yourself have unwittingly tossed out a “Bro” when asking a stranger for the time. But an important distinction must be drawn: just because a guy is a dude, doesn’t mean that dude is a Bro.
Q: What is a Bro?
A: A Bro is a person who would give you the shirt off his back when he doesn’t want to wear it anymore. A Bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone else over backwards. In short, a Bro is a lifelong companion you can trust will always be there for you, unless he’s got something else going on
Q: Who is your Bro?
A: Your father was once a Bro, and the boy who mows your lawn represents the Bro of tomorrow, but that doesn’t make him your Bro. When someone has faithfully upheld one or more of the codes in The Bro Code, then you may consider him you Bro. Warning: Exercise caution when bringing home a hot chick-your brother may or may not be your Bro. (Tuneri sleeping with George’s date or vice -versa)
Q: Can only dudes be Bros?
A: You don’t need to be a guy to be somebody’s Bro, provided you uphold the moral values contained within this sacred canon. When a woman sets a guy up with her busty friend, she’s acting as a Bro. And if she sets him up with other hot friends after he slept with the first one and never called her again, then she’s officially his Bro.
While the story of The Bro Code is not nearly as simple and elegant as God handing down some stone tablets to ‘Broses’ , its origins weave all the way back to the dawn of humanity
In the beginning there was no Bro Code… which was unfortunate for the world’s first Bros-Cain and Abel. Lacking an agreed-upon set of social principals, Cain killed Abel and committed history’s first Broicide. As punishment Cain was doomed to walk the earth alone. Why? Because without a wingman, he had absolutely no chance to meet chicks.
Centuries later a Bro from Sparta and a Bro from Troy got in a fight over a chick named Helen. I know, “Helen” doesn’t sound hot, but allegedly she had a “face that launched a thousand ships” so you can just imagine what her rack was like. The two Bros waged a terrible war over this chick-a war that could have been avoided had the Bros been familiar with the most basic Bro Code: Bros before ho’s. Troy put up a good fight, but the Spartan navy was very powerful. Soon hordes of Spartan seamen burst through the Trojan barrier, and Helen got half the gold for the next eighteen years.
Hundreds of years later, appropriately in Ibadan (the City of Bro Love), a little known delegate named Idris scathed on pathchment what is now considered the earliest attempt to record The Bro Code. Over the years Bros have amended and added rules, but Idris’s elegant words remain as the glorious preamble to The Bro Code.
While the original document is housed two stories beneath sea level in an undisclosed, vacuum-sealed, bullet-proof chamber, I was able to gain access lone enough to manufacture this replica.
The bond between two men is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women. That’s just science.
Did you know…Article 1 can trace its genesis all the way back to Genesis. No, not the Peter Gabriel/Phil Collins pop triad, but the biblical book. The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls has unearthed a once-lost passage that documents the earliest infringement of The Bro Code.
Book Of Broses 1:1And everything of need was provided in that Garden. Fruit, water, companionship. But one day, Adam came upon a naked chick, Eve, and desired her olive leaf. And so Adam wenteth behind an apple tree to know Eve, totally ditching his Bro, Phil, who had Koko concert tickets, VIP. Long story short, humankind became self-aware and paradise was lost.
Note: If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would’ve been like, “Dude, come on”. If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early day of Motley Crew, people would’ve been like, “Lady, come on”. The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place.
Article 3 : If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown
Note: If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math
Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is- a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism if stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we’re from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within. *Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.
COROLLARY: If a bro gets naked in a locker room, all other Bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while, at the same time, immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage: “If a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes”.
There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that succinctly get the message across without costing you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.
EMAILS FOR ANY BROCASSION
GET WELL SOON
Don’t give up, Bro.
Drinks on me, Bro.
THINKING OF YOU
Article 9 : Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as “Gimme three!” or “Wow quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball”. It’s still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls… metaphorically speaking, of course
It’s normal for a Bro to get confused and disorientated when dumping a chick. For some reason he’s worried she’ll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty more chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.
SIDE-BRO: HOW TO DUMP A CHICK IN SIX WORDS OR LESS
“Maybe try a side salad instead”
“Cute! You’re growing a mustache, too!”
“She looks like a younger you”
“I will finance a boob job”
“Sorry I threw out your shoes”
“Your sister let me do that”
Article 11 : A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are – in most cases, stuck in the doorway.
NOTE: To avoid confrontation, it’s a good idea for the bro to jettison the receipt before returning to the party.
COROLLARY: It’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over.
CHECKLIST FOR BRO-PROOFING YOUR HOME
• Hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms and first cousins.
• Open liquor bottles and dust the bar to give the impression you actually use it.
• As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to the bathroom.
• Scan PVR playlist and remove embarrassing TV programs like daytime talk shows.
• Open all windows.
• Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality.
• Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive.
• Sign out of email account.
• Usher girlfriend/booty call off the premises.
|A bro must respect fellow Bros in the Uniform be it Navy, Airforce or Marines and even MOPOL( no not that dumb guy) Mobile Police with the exception of The “street” Police all they need is 20 bucks.|
Article 21 : A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, “She’s smoking-hot, huh?” a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting.
Women make excellent Bros. Why? Because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the Chick Code.
DO CHICKS REALLY HAVE THEIR OWN CODE?
Yes, I’m afraid so. One morning, before slipping out the door wile my hostess was in the shower, I happened upon a copy of the rumored tome. I didn’t have time to flip must past the pink bedazzled cover, but here are some of the phases I remember seeing on the frilly pages within:
• A chick shall not sleep with another chick’s ex-boyfriend, unless she does.
• A chick never pays for anything. Ever.
• If two chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than simply stripping down and wrestling it out.
• If a chick hears a chick-empowering song like “I Will Survive,” she shall stop whatever she’s doing, grab another chick’s hand, and shriek the lyrics at the top of her lungs.
• A chick may get a dog as a pet, but only if it fits in her mailbox.
• If two chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to accidentally spill a drink on the other.
• A chick shall not operate a motor vehicle in a safe manner.
Article 23 : When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women’s athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs.
A Bro must, in timely manner, communicate the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety (henceforth “girl fight“), in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A “timely manner” is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro’s viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, carrier pigeons, fiber optics, shouting, postcards, and telepathy. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video, or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime.
Article 29 : If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost of savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.
Article 33 : When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, “What is this a chicks’ restroom?” if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball… rebounding is optional.
When in conversation with a woman, fake breasts may arise, but not in the way that you’d like. It’s not uncommon for a woman to deftly use trick questions in order to probe a Bro’s real thoughts on the subject of breast augmentation. And don’t be fooled into thinking your prepared speech on the beauty of the natural human form can get you out of it.
HOW TO HANDLE FAKE BREASTS
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro: Totally. Unnatural is unsexy.
Chick: So you’ve been staring at her breasts, huh?
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Chick: You know who I’m talking about.
Bro: Oh. Yes, those must be fake.
Chick: So you’ve been staring at her breasts, huh?
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Chick: Well then, why don’t you go marry her, then???
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro: I Wouldn’t know.
Chick: Oh. Well they are.
Article 37 : A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they’re not that heavy.
ASK Uncle Idris.
Q: I’m confused- if a woman gives me her phone number, doesn’t that mean she wants me to call her? Why do i have to wait so long?
A: Broflation– an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how Bros should act. you call a woman the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, Bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships, and all because you couldn’t wait ninety-six little hours.
Q: Okay, I’ve waited ninety-six hours. When’s the best time of day to call ?
A: Cal during the middle of the day. You’ll have a better chance that she will be busy which ultimately means less conversation. With any luck you’ll be able to set something up without ever having to talk to her. Note: Never call after 9 PM– late-night phone calls are the province of the booty call, and only the booty call. See Article 92 for further elaboration.
Q: I’ve always heard you wait three days? Why does the Bro Code specify four?
A: If you’ve always heard that a bro should wait three days before calling, you can bet that women have, too. By waiting an extra day, you can make the chick feel special.
EXCEPTIONS: Watching Field of Dreams, My Name is Khan .E.T., or a sports legend retire.*
*Applies only to the first time he retires.
EXCEPTION: If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.
WHY A BRO NEVER WEARS JEANS TO A STRIP CLUB
1. Cloth pockets are roomier and more elastic, allowing for thicker wads of cash.
2. Denim clashes with a club’s leopard, zebra, or other safari animal motif.
3. One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER: Zipper.
4.It’s a performance, and deserves respect. these erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees t a ballet?*
5. You don’t feel it as much on your kazoo.
*Trick question. Bros don’t watch ballet.
Article 46 : If a Bro is seated next to some dude who’s stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the inflight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.
COROLLARY: A Bro never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
When a chick meets a Bro there are three things she wants to know:
1. How much money does he make?
2. Is he shorter than her?
3. How many chicks has he banged?
Eventually, she will figure out the first two, but a bro never answers the third question. If, however, a bro feels compelled to answer (i.e., sex is being withheld until he supplies a tally), he can calculate an acceptable number using the following formula:
HOW MANY CHICK IS IT SAFE FOR A BRO TO SAY HE’S BANGED?
n= (a/10 + s) + 5
n= number of chicks
a= Bro’s age
s= inquiring chick’s slut factor (1=nun, 10 former nun)
EXCEPTIONS: Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car, loading an expensive TV into an expensive car.
If you can’t get a bro to scope out your blind date beforehand, there is a way to at least learn how promiscuous she’ll be–– have her choose the date venue.
BLIND DATE TRANSLATIONS currently under construction.
Article 56 : A Bro is required to alert another bro if the Bro/Chick ration at a party falls below 1:1. However, to Avoid Broflation, a bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ration of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
Mr Tuneri must be thinking this article is for him but then why should anyone grow a mustache?
Exception: When shaving, it’s more than okay for a Bro to keep the whiskers around hes mouth until the end so that he might temporarily experiment with different facial hair configurations.
Exception: Tom Selleck and Joey Barton
WHEN BAIL IS CRAZY EXPENSIVE?
Crazy Expensive Bail > (Years You’ve Been Bros) x #10000
Article 61 : If a bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks is Bro already knows.
Article 62 : In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If they both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who brought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven’t purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they’re the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, then the first Bro to promise to finance the next beer run wins and he must do so.
Article 63: A Bro Shall Not Get High Alone
Article 64: A Bro Shall Not listen to Justin Bieber
Article 65: A Bro must not Cock-Block another Bro
Article 66: Bros Must not cross swords during a threesome.
Article 67: A Bro Must Not Meet a Girl’s Parents
Article 68: A Bro must not laugh when another Bro gets kicked in the nuts.
Article 69: Bros Must keep a 6 meter radius around each other while dancing in a party.
Article 70: Even if he is Financially capable a Bro is not allowed to ditch other bros to go ahead and sleep with a prostitute in an hotel when bros already planned to sleep in the car/bus/club during the trip.
Violations of the Bro Code may result in a fine of up to #30,000 or in some cases permanent dis-Broment. Unresolved disputes over The Bro Code may be submitted via email to the International Court of Bros at ……………………………., provided such disputes include pictures of the chicks involved. But only if they’re hot-the chicks, not the disputes.
There is no greater affront to the spirit of The Bro Code than a willing violation. While occasionally a Bro may err due to inebriation, a momentary lapse of judgment, or if a chick is so hot that other Bros would say “He didn’t really have a choice” any premeditated infraction of The Bro Code is inexcusable. When a Bro violates The Bro Code, he hurts not only his Bros but also himself, because he is no lone Bro worthy.
It’s important to note that there are no tenets of The Bro Code that cannot be discussed in confidence with another Bro, and I would urge a Bro to seek permission form another Bro before doing something, or someone, that he feels might violate this sacred code. Note: A great time to get that permission is when your Bro is super drunk…like almost passed out
If and when a violation occurs, a Bro has the right to administer the offending Bro a level of punishment befitting the infraction. He may choose from the Approved Punishments list.
- Revocation of wingman status
- Text blackout (No Pings)
- Designated all-time tip leaver (must be the one to tip the bar man always)
- Assigned to sleep on bare rug if all bros are in the room
- Removal from inappropriate email forwards list
- Temporary blacklist from barbecues/football Sundays
- Removal from holiday card mailing list
- Revocation of airport picking/drop-off privileges
- Must help offended Bro move heavy furniture
- Must return stuff loaned from offended Bro…even stuff he thinks his Bro forgot about
- No longer allowed to borrow the truck
- Offended Bro no longer required to Buy beer for the other bro
You Can Follow The Last Bra Bender On Twitter @dondekojo